It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
