Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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