after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
