Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
