i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
