God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The air taste purple.
Randomize
