i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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