Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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