I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
