I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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