Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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