I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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