today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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