i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
