1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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