I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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