let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
