Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
