New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
