Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
