4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
