i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
