Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
