theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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