Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
