I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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