Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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