I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
