dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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