Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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