You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
