I want to have your abortion
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is Oprah even human
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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