i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
