you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
