its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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