You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
