I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
