I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
