can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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