She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
