Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
