I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
