my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
