I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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