And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
