Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
How's work?
Spinning.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
