Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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