I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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