Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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