don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
